nic fouts

Half in Love with Oblivion

“Those who travel to mountain-tops are half in love with themselves, and half in love with oblivion.”
–Robert Macfarlane

Due to some serendipity among pieces of software I’m certified in and schedule changes beyond my control, I currently find myself in Alaska for the first time.  If you’ve known me for any amount of time in the last few years you know that I’m working toward visiting all 50 states.  Alaska was one that I thought would be among my last (with Hawaii).  Little did I realize that both of those would fall within 6 months of each other, and neither being the last one.  Alas, if work wants to pay for my trip up here then I’m more than happy to allow that.

Part of why I took this assignment was because I knew each day’s work would not be my normal 12-14 hour on-site day.  In true form, none of the 3 days ran until 5pm.  And days 2 and 3 started after 8.  So, not only could I sleep in, but I could explore around town in the early evening without being completely exhausted.  On top of all of that, I decided to extend my trip by a day and take a free day on Saturday.  Given all this free time, I smartly decided to get a rental truck for the week.  It has turned out to be the best decision I’ve made regarding this trip.

To understand why it was a good idea, you need to know where I am in Alaska (it’s a big state, after all).  I’m in the tiny town of Ketchikan.  With a population of just over 7000, there understandably isn’t a whole lot to do.  However, we’re on a fairly large island so just a few minutes drive can put you in the heart of wilderness.  Go a bit further and you’re out of cell reception, the radio barely works, and you won’t see or hear another car or person for hours.

That last consequence is a perfect perk for me.  So I planned to drive about an hour away to the spot where a road meets a park-ish looking thing on the map.  About half way there I notice an unmarked gravel road branching from my marked gravel road.  GPS had no idea what this road was, so of course I had to go see what it was about.  I wanted an adventure while I was here, so this was my chance.  After several, several stops to take breathtakingly gorgeous photos (and just stand there and marvel), I came upon the end of this little one-lane “road”.  Twisted 3+ miles into the side of this mountain was a trail head that had no signs.  Again, adventure is what I was after so I had to go see what it was about.

Before we go on, you should know my provision situation.  I have a jar of peanuts in the truck.  A book in a backpack, left in the truck.  A Woot hoodie and my trusty Colts hat are my protection against the rain and 47 degree weather.  My cell phone is in my pocket, but it’s little more than a camera at this point.  All cell service was lost 30 minutes ago, before we even got to the unmarked road.

At first, I wanted to see where this little trail went.  It wasn’t much of a trail anyway, but given the heavy rains it was little more than a path for water to cascade down the mountain.  Trudging up about 2 minutes I find a sign.  It tells all who dare make it this far that they are on Dude Mountain Trail.  It won’t officially be spring until June, according to the chart.  The one-way length of the trail is 1.5 miles with an estimated hike time of 2 hours (again, one way).  It says we’ll traverse 1500 feet vertically for our troubles.  And finally, it rates the trail difficulty as “Most Difficult”.  I’ll admit, I know all these things only because I took a picture of the sign and kept on hiking.  If I’d actually read the sign I might have thought twice about what I was about to do.  Instead, I figured “how bad could it be?” and just wanted to see what the trail was like.

“How bad could it be?”  Those five words are the downfall of many a person.  Thankfully, I didn’t speak those words aloud so nature decided to be kind to me today.  I hiked the trail for 10-15 minutes and would pause to take in the splendor around me.  Each time seeing what looked like a ridge just above.  Thinking that the trail was coming to a close, I pressed on, hoping to make that final step and stand at the peak.  This cycle repeated many times until I thought that I should just turn back and come back tomorrow.  In places, the trail got quite treacherous and thoughts of falling to my doom crossed my mind.  “Nic, nobody knows you’re out here.  Hell, you don’t even know where you are.  When (not if) you fall, that’s where you’ll end.  Nobody is coming to look for you.”  But then the next thought said “But we have to be close.  You’ll make it to the top just fine.  Keep going.  How bad could it be?”

I’m quite proud of myself for finally making it to the top.  The trail sign said it should take 2 hours and I did it in just under an hour.  And that’s with many stops to just stare at the beauty around me.  The “Most Difficult” rating seemed true in a few parts, but overall it was just an exhaustive climb but not technically difficult.  If I had actually planned to climb a mountain when I set out, I would probably have included some water in my bag (at the very least).

In the end, this was EXACTLY the kind of adventure I hoped I’d stumble upon on this trip.  I want to find the road less traveled.  Hell, it’s not even on the map!  The road ended and I kept on going anyway.  If that’s not some perfect metaphor for life, then I don’t know what is.

Now, I rest.  For tomorrow brings the state park I had originally planned to visit today.  Maybe I’ll find another adventure along the way.  Maybe I’ll actually hit the adventure I planned.  Either way, adventure is what I’m going to achieve.

“The road ended and I kept going.”
–Me

May 7th, 2016 Posted by Nic | Uncategorized | no comments

Tonight I am a failure

I don’t fail.  It’s a fact of my life that I’ve come to understand over the years and now expect.  Except for tonight.  Tonight I am a failure.  Tonight I am dropping my after-work computer science course.  Most people might not see that as a failure, but it goes in the loss column for me.  What makes it the worst is that I don’t think I *need* to drop the course.  I’m sure I could do the work and pass with flying colors.  But I don’t want to.  …  And it’s that lack of ambition that’s bugging me right now.  Four years ago I know I would have doubled down and stuck it out.  No matter what I had to sacrifice (let’s be honest, it would be sleep), I would have done it without a moment’s hesitation.

Fast forward to tonight.  What is different from now and the mythical 2012?  I can only find one thing that makes sense: I don’t care.  I think I used to have the ability to segment the crap from different parts of my life.  Each area could have it’s own level of crap that I dealt with, but that’s where it stayed.  If work was extra stressful, it didn’t impact what I did at home.  If family drama was making me pull out hair, work didn’t suffer.  The scenarios are endless.  But that’s not happening now.  The draining parts of my life are starting to add together.  The stress is adding together.  But the joy isn’t.  When that equation is unbalanced, trying to force yourself to care is impossible.  I don’t really know when or why this change happened.  I didn’t even realize it until I started thinking about dropping this course.

I have until Friday to decide if dropping it is the right answer, but I can’t see how the current landscape gives me another option.  I’m seeing nothing but the truckload of stress and zero benefits as a result.

January 27th, 2016 Posted by Nic | Uncategorized | no comments

Remain among the clumps of grass and do not elevate yourself.

E noho iho i ke opu weuweu, mai ho`oki`eki`e.
Remain among the clumps of grass and do not elevate yourself.

Meaning:
Don’t show off.  Don’t get puffed up and big-headed.
Be ha`aha`a (humble), which does not mean timid, submissive, and spineless. An inner self-confidence which gives rise to quiet strength is far more admirable than self-importance, arrogance, and egotism.

Yesterday I wrote about the time leading up to my Hawaiian trip.  Today, let’s talk about what I’ve done while I’m here.  I’m staying at a Marriott (big surprise), but I was surprised with how well they’ve treated me.  For starters, I was given a room upgrade (which is around a $150/night bonus).  The catch was that it wasn’t quite ready at 7 o’clock so they gave me a few drink vouchers to use at the poolside bar.  If I didn’t want to wait, I could check into the room class I’d paid for but I wouldn’t get the upgrade.  It was the first of many tough decisions that I had to ma… ok, I can’t keep typing that with a straight face.  Of course I saddled up to the bar and had a Mai Tai.  As soon as I finished my first drink, the room was ready.  It was a corner room on the 24th floor, so I had two balconies.  One had a gorgeous view of the ocean and the other had a view of Diamond Head where the sun would rise.  I knew that my reservation included a $30 “resort fee”, but I didn’t really know what that was for.  Turns out, it’s free breakfast, coffee, unlimited DVD/BluRay rentals, discounts, drink tickets, and probably more.  Needless to say, I would recommend Waikiki Marriott if you’re heading out to Honolulu.

After checking out what the resort had to offer, I decided to look into what there was to do on this island since I didn’t really plan anything before arriving.  (Show up, see what happens.  Sounds like me.)  Turns out, most of the touristy things do require some advanced planning so those were out.  Sort of last minute I decided to rent a car for the couple days (and by last minute, I mean I booked it during my layover in LAX).  Since I had the car, I decided to just explore the island.  A few minutes with the map and I found a botanical garden.  That of course had to be stop number one.  It’s not really what I expected.  Instead, it was so much more.  Nestled along the side of one of the mountains, it’s a huge expanse of park-like area and trees, with one road in and out.  I drove the whole road (a few miles) and stopped at every little area and took more pictures.  It’s vastly more beautiful that I know what to do with.  Being a Monday morning, there were all of about 10 people that I saw the entire time.  It was sickeningly peaceful.  (As a matter of fact, I’m writing this from one of the little pavilions toward the far end of the road.  But let’s not jump ahead to today just yet.)  After spending a good few hours staring at the immense beauty I realized I should check out Pearl Harbor.  There were a ton of people there as you would expect, but I was able to meander through the memorials and plaques mostly unscathed.

After being away for most of the day, I realized I hadn’t had lunch by around 1:30pm.  Dropping the car back off at the hotel, I walked around the little downtown area of Waikiki.  Along the way, I stumbled into an Apple Store and decided to check out the new iPad Pro.  The danger was that they had them in stock.  It took a lot of effort not to walk out with one.  I think the fact that the Pencil wasn’t in stock helped deter me, since it really needs to be a package deal.  After a while, I found my way back to the hotel and went back to the bar.  Football was playing so I used it as an excuse to sit there and drink.  I stopped when it was time to catch the sunset, so I ran up to my balcony and stared down the day.

Once it was time to find dinner, I went back to the place where I could get my included breakfast.  The dinner, like breakfast, was superb.  And with 25% off because of my Marriott Elite status, I couldn’t pass it up.  Belly full and liver angry, I decided it was best to relax in the room a little.  I spent some more time on the balcony writing yesterday’s entry.  The sound of the ocean crashing along with the bustle of the city was a relaxing background on which to work.  Entry complete, I checked out the DVD situation.  They had The Man from U.N.C.L.E. so I decided to give it a whirl.  (Good flick, by the way.)  After that, a quick nap on the balcony made me realize it was probably just time for bed.

Today I had to check out of the hotel in the morning, but my flight isn’t until 10 tonight.  After another monster breakfast, I lounged around the room taking in more time on the balconies.  Since I then had many hours to kill, I decided to see what other park type areas we had.  I found a ruined temple area overlooking Pearl Harbor and made a quick pass of that.  I’ll admit, it wasn’t as impressive as a quick scan of the Wikipedia entry would have you believe.   It was beautiful nonetheless.  Then it was off to the north side of the island to check out a beach that was recommended as a place I couldn’t miss before leaving the island.  By 2pm it was a pretty secluded place, probably only 20 people there.  And that includes the beach wedding I stumbled by.  Since I’m neither a sand nor ocean guy, I took my pictures and left.  Deciding to spend the remainder of my day back at the botanical gardens to both write this and stare again at the beauty, I took off back to the center of the island.  Upon arrival, I noticed the sign says that the gardens close at 4pm, which is nowhere near as late as I wanted to be here.  (For reference, it’s 3:48pm right now!)  I’m far enough back in the gardens that I need to stop typing and start driving for the gate.  But I want nothing more at this moment than to keep sitting here and listening to the sounds of nature around me.

Fine, I gave in.  It’s now several hours later and I’ve made it back to civilization.  Or downtown Waikiki, whichever you want to call it.  The hotel has a “hospitality room” with several couches and showers.  It’s apparently designed for people just like me who are “homeless” in Honolulu for a few hours.  At either rate, I decided instead to wander around a little more and ran into a hula show on the beach.  It had already started and the crowd was pretty well filled in, so there wasn’t a great place to stop and watch.  I watched on the sidelines for a little bit and ultimately found my way back to the hotel bar so that I can finish telling you about my day.  I don’t think there’s much else to tell, though.

Many people mocked me for having such a short stay in Hawaii given how long it takes to get here.  But ultimately, I got a little over two full days on the island.  I’ll probably spend the last couple hours in the airport, but let’s be honest, I’m comfortable there.  I think if I had stayed another day or two, I wouldn’t have done anything else.  I’d have either sat in the botanical gardens for far too many hours or started taking advantage of the free movies the hotel gave me.  While both would be relaxing, neither is necessarily cost effective.

December 16th, 2015 Posted by Nic | Uncategorized | no comments

You don’t manage people, you manage things. You lead people.

You don’t manage people, you manage things. You lead people.
–Grace Hopper, American computer pioneer

As I was sitting aboard my 2nd out of 3 flights during my long day of travel, I realized something.  I’m Honolulu-bound. This is my vacation and all I can think about is work. Plus the cute girl from my date from the night before.  But we’ll get to all that in a minute.

For today’s flights I started reading a new book, The Girl on the Train, but I find it’s hard to pay attention. Since I booked this whole trip in first class, the stewardess gave me a double strong drink. It keeps reminding me of the days in high school and college when we basically drank turpentine (plastic bottle vodka is not your friend). Instead of slowing my brain as it should, it just made it want to think about the past. I spent one chapter thinking about what would have become of my life if I’d picked the other fraternity on campus. (I saw them in the news this week.  Something good, I think.) Different connections would have changed my path drastically. For sure, I would never have known about Lincoln and my years designing and destroying ovens. My college job office likes to take credit for “placing” me in that job but it came solely from my connections at Phi Kap. I’m not sure if the same events would have transpired that pulled me to Madison or not. Would I even have switched out of computer science into engineering? Maybe I’d be at some tech start-up on the west coast somewhere.  Maybe this Hawaiian vacation wouldn’t be so out of character.  Maybe it would be a normal thing.  I suppose that’s the premise of too many movies these days.

Let’s start with work.  Why was I thinking about it while sipping cocktails in first class destined for Hawaii?  It probably had a lot to do with an email I got the day before I left.  There’s a program you can enroll in that lets you take graduate-level Computer Science courses, taught by University of Wisconsin, hosted on-site at Epic.  Once completed, it allows you the opportunity to be considered for a full-time transfer to Software Development.  As it sits, I’ve been working a good deal toward being more development focused, but there is only so far I can go with it.  As a TS, I’ll always have customer commitments, which always take priority over internal projects (including dev, usually).  My team lead sees this frustration and is trying to help, but he’s not the decision maker when it comes to customer staffing.  Back to the email, it was to tell me that I am approved to enter the program and my tuition reimbursement is also already approved.  While this may sound like a good thing at first glance, I’ve spent a considerable amount of brainpower trying to figure out if it’s right for me.  A decade ago, I left CS because I couldn’t see myself being a coder all day.  Today, I have to ask myself if that same thing would happen.  I’m a different person than I was a decade ago when I made that choice.  I have other (non-work) distractions that could temper the day-to-day grind.  Then I think about what has kept me in TS for so long.  The ever-changing problems is a big part of that.  As TS, I don’t specialize in any one module of the software like R&D does.  My problems are wide ranging and complex.  R&D problems are always in the same module, but still reasonably complex.  So my problem is this, if I know now that I probably wouldn’t want to be a full-time Dev, why should I start taking the classes?  I could save myself countless hours of frustration and keep at the status quo.  On the other side, I can see that my burnout time is quickly approaching along my current path.  The TS job in general has changed quite a lot in the years I’ve been doing it.  We’re now so much more project management focused.  I supposed to spend so much of my time babysitting projects when my customers instead want answers to why their shit is broken.  I’ve watched this landscape change over the last 3-4 years and I see it’s only happening more quickly now.  The end is in sight, but I don’t think it’s the ending that I want.  Some soul searching is definitely in order, but I’m not going to find that answer at the bottom of a blog post.

Cute date.  It’s been a long while since I’ve had a proper first date.  Every other relationship (and quasi/non-relationship) I’ve had previously started with being friends first.  Or at least being acquainted for a while.  I probably dated halfway through my sister’s friend circle in high school.  What I’m really saying is that real first dates aren’t exactly my forte.  However, I think this one went alright.  I’d been out of town the entire week leading up to this, and was obviously flying out the following morning, so extravagant plans couldn’t be arranged (which is probably good).  The plan for the evening was dinner at Vintage and then some indoor mini-golf nearby.  Except, halfway through dinner, she invited me to her friend’s White Elephant party that evening instead.  Golf was out, and now I’m on my way to a houseful of strangers.  I’d have probably said no if I thought I wasn’t into her: we all know my social proclivities.  The party turned out to be relatively fun.  We got there late (it started at the same time we met for dinner), but they still let us join in.  (I walked away with a poem book from a local author and a pair of used drumsticks, if you were curious.)  I think most of my thinking problems were caused by not really getting through the first-date requirements.  Because we cut dinner a little short, and were then surrounded by a party, we didn’t really have the opportunity to talk about what we’re looking for and where we’re going in life.  We got some general life stories out, but that’s about it (there was still filler conversation, don’t you go thinking I’m a moron [I mean, I probably am a moron, but not about this.  I hope.]).

Long stories short, I’m taking this relaxing 2-day Hawaiian trip to contemplate where I want my priorities to be in the next several months.  Work is primed for a change, and it needs it desperately.  The relationship scene is poised to try something new, and I need to figure out what that means.  In the meantime, I should find some dinner.  And use these copious drink tickets the desk clerk gave me.  Maybe walk on the beach afterward.  The night is still young and I’m off this island in 26 hours.

December 15th, 2015 Posted by Nic | Uncategorized | no comments

The difference between insanity and genius is success

“The difference between insanity and genius is success.”
–Bruce Feirstein

When you stop and think about it, life is a drug.  At some point, the best experiences are behind you.  Every new experience is measured against not only the actual past but your perception of it as well.  Think about your first kiss.  Go ahead, take a minute.  I’ll wait.

What do you remember?  For me, it happened in a darken hallway in my high school near the vending machines.  I remember the days leading up to it I talked with several of her friends to make sure I was doing the right thing.  The entire time, I was so nervous I was exploding and imploding all at the same time.  Then the moment arrives and everything else falls away.  Nothing else matters and the two of us shared that experience.  In cliche phrasing, it was magical.  In reality, it was a couple of inexperienced kids each working up the courage for their first kiss.  They were taking one of life’s many “hits”.

Now think about your second kiss.  What do you remember?  I challenge that you probably have no idea what you were thinking at that moment.  As soon as you finished your first hit of life, the second and third (and more) hits were inconsequential.  I’ll even allow your first kiss with a new person to substitute.  I’ll wager nearly anything that you didn’t have the same experience as your true first kiss.  There may be many other first kisses with new people, but none of them will match the intensity and terror of the very first one.

Substitute any of life’s repetitive experiences and the same pattern holds true.  Jump out of a plane?  The first one is still more exhilarating than the second.  The hit of adrenaline you get from it doesn’t quite peak to the same level as the first time.  Your tolerance builds and you can’t quite hit that same level of thrill/euphoria/whatever.  Whether that is due to physical tolerance or just the expectation of what an experience should produce is hard to guess at.  Our minds keep track of what the experience made us feel and over time it distorts those experiences into unobtainable recreations.

I think that’s what makes us some people extreme thrill seekers.  They’ve become “life addicts”.  They’re tying to attain that same level they had before so they need bigger and badder “drugs” to get there.  But there’s a point in your life when nothing will get you there.  For most people, I wager that it’s somewhere in their mid-30’s.  It’s different for everyone, of course, but it happens at some point.  Looking at suicide rates for the past 15 years, there is a statistically significant jump after age 25.  And it only increases with each age bracket.  Now, correlation isn’t causation.  There are obviously more intricate reasons for suicide than my theory.  But I have to believe that it’s a factor.  A someone who has entered their 30’s, I want desperately to be wrong.  (Anyone that knows me is aware of my own difficult past and the very real actions of some of those close to me.  Needless to say, I don’t take this topic lightly.)

In the end, I guess I really don’t know where I’m going with this.  When I started this, I had hoped it would reveal a long standing hidden truth about why people leave us.  Instead, all I have is a vague new thought that makes me kind of sad.  Maybe when we start to see the signs of the “tolerance of life” we can harken back to this theory and help our friends through the tough times.

August 23rd, 2015 Posted by Nic | Uncategorized | no comments

Put a grain of boldness into everything you do

“Put a grain of boldness into everything you do.”
–Baltasar Gracian

I used to write a lot more than I do these days.  Sure, there are tons of Twitter and Facebook posts, but those are mostly stream of consciousness instead of exploring ideas in any meaningful way.  I have (not so) recently been putting thoughts in Day One.  It’s a mobile app that masquerades as a journal, but I’ve never enjoyed writing longer pieces on either an iPhone or iPad.  I know there are keyboards, but then you lose the mobility.  As it is now, I tap out a few thoughts that I want to expand on and hope that I remember to spend a few minutes at my regular computer.  That’s what tonight is (hopefully) about.  At my current rate, I get a topic into Day One roughly once a month.  There’s a backlog, but if I can convince myself to use two a month then I should eventually catch up.

When I tapped out that thought in the few seconds I had one day, I also included the idea of quantity/quality/exposure.  I used to post very often to Livejournal until I acquired a Twitter account.  At that point, for a small time I tried to maintain both.  Twitter lends itself to quick thoughts that others can easily comment on and share.  Even Livejournal made comments pretty easy, but very few people interacted with my content.  This journal makes comments harder because of the tremendous spam problem.  In the end, I have to ask myself whether comments and social interaction are important in a journal like this.  My Twitter habit isn’t going to go away so my friends and acquaintances can interact with that like they currently do.  This venue affords me the ability to take a fraction of those thoughts and attempt to understand my interactions, reactions, beliefs, and purpose with them by digging in and exploring.

Even as I write this, I’m sifting through the hundreds of spam comments that have been posted since my last entry.  I block them all by default and hand-review every comment to prevent you from being subjected to the unwanted spam.  It’s the least I can do for inviting you here to read my rambling thoughts.  Tell me it’s worth it.  Does anyone read this?  More importantly, do you want to interact with these thoughts in a dialog that is hindered by the current comment process?  Even if nobody reads, I’ll still write because I think I need this in my life.  Feel free to remain as a lurker and nothing will change, except (hopefully) my posting frequency.

July 26th, 2015 Posted by Nic | Uncategorized | no comments

Do what you can

“It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do little – do what you can.”
–Sydney Smith

Something has been bugging me for a few weeks now.  Is it normal for people to not seek out solutions to annoyances?  I understand my brain is wired differently than most in that I CONSTANTLY have to tinker with stuff.  It doesn’t matter if I’m solving problems that actually exist or not, but I will always find something to change with something in my life.  It’s because I realize this about myself I need outside input to figure out if I’m off base here.

The specific trigger was the realization that a not-unsubstantial-number of my coworkers haven’t eliminated a useless popup that shows up when opening a record in our internal tracking software.  For most average people that equates to dozens of popups daily, including the associated clicks and annoyances.  A two-second search in our internal documentation gives you a link to click to make it go away forever.  That’s literally all it takes and people can’t do that.

This led me to further wonder how pervasive this condition is.  I wouldn’t wish my level of obsession on anyone, but I feel like there has to be a happy medium.  I’ve seen so many people who don’t even appear to understand that life can be better.  It doesn’t even matter if they could or couldn’t make the change themselves; they don’t even conceive of a different scenario.

Maybe I’m the freak here: constantly working to improve the universe.

December 21st, 2014 Posted by Nic | Uncategorized | no comments

We will never get better at growing up and learning to lie

“Promise that forever we will never get better at growing up and learning to lie”
– Eve 6, Good Lives

People always talk about emotional loneliness or physical loneliness, but I propose that there is a third kind: intellectual loneliness.  To be fair, it’s not something I considered until just this year.  I had always focused on the two normal types because that’s what everybody told me to worry about.  The real problem is that I never cared much about those two kinds.  Far more often than not, I prefer to be physically alone.  It lets me limit the outside distractions on my world so that I can focus on projects or myself.  I feel like that’s a whole other topic to explore sometime, especially on why I prefer non-human interaction above human.  It’s not that I’m particularly bad at or stressed by interacting with other people; I just don’t like it for some reason.

The emotional loneliness metric swings a bit for me.  I often struggle with abandonment issues, but that’s a pretty recent influence on my life.  It started later in college, I suppose.  As close friends moved on to their real lives I was left in the status quo life I had known.  That took a big upturn when I took my job at Epic.  Somewhat contrary to what I said earlier, I’m not great at making new friends.  I’m able to blend in to social situations and make due, but finding someone I can call a friend is difficult for me.  90% of my “friends” only call me when they need something from me.  That’s entirely fine because I like helping people, so I don’t necessarily want that to change.  But that leaves a smaller group that I can go to with my own problems and needs.  When those people unexpectedly leave my life it creates a hole that is often difficult to fill.  I guess I stress somewhat about that eventuality, but I know that there is little I can do to prevent its arrival.  My emotional pendulum swings with my ability to cope with that eventuality: some days I’m awesome, some days I’m less awesome.

Intellectual loneliness.  This is one of those things that ate at me my entire life but I didn’t understand it until I started my job at Epic.  My entire life I was told that I was “different” from the other kids my age.  I never understood what that really meant until I looked back over those years.  During my childhood, I tired to fit in with the other kids so that I wouldn’t be picked on or taunted.  Starting in 3rd grade I purposely lowered my grades so that I wasn’t the kid that “killed the curve”.  Being the top performer in those years wasn’t a thing to aspire to; it was a thing to mock.  Children can be merciless, especially to their peers.  Against the odds, I made it through my formative years relatively unscathed and on into college.  By this point, my habits had stuck and I was successfully in the middle of the pack.  This may have been the first time where I could “connect” with someone else on my real level.  However, I didn’t know these people existed so I didn’t know how to interact with them.  I was still stuck in my habits and I looked normal to them.  Even in the Higher Education sphere, there was still a mockery to be made of the exceptional.  I was quickly given the choice of “fitting in” with my peers or finding my true peers.  Again the majority won and I stayed middle-of-the-pack.  The next several years played out this story until I was offered a job at a place called Epic.  It was this amusement park of a campus that only took “the best of the best”.  I breezed through their entrance exams and landed a job in Technical Services (whatever that meant).  After nearly 5 years in this company, it finally dawned on me who I was surrounded by: the mythical “best of the best”.  These were truly “my peers” and I could start to become my actual normal self around them. No longer did I need to play the fool to fit in, these were truly my fools.

So what makes this a special enough occasion to bring this up?  I’ve been surrounded by these exceptional fools for more than half a decade, but I didn’t see just how lucky I was.  It was really a product of that emotional loneliness that I’ve come to expect.  While attempting to cope with this loneliness, I realized what I was surrounded with.  Nearly four months ago I lost a true friend.  He wasn’t one of those that only called when he needed something.  He was one of the few I could take my problems to and the two of us could sort them out.  Since that time, I’ve spend a lot of time trying to figure out what I was doing with my life.  He had left us so quickly and I wondered if that’s what I should just do as well.  But it was my intellectual peers that kept me grounded in the truth that I knew and the good that I could do.

In the end, I realized what was really keeping me here and that’s what I want to cultivate.  I can find the challenges that give me a purpose and I can rise to them.  Gone are the days where I have to try my hardest to be less than second best and I can really just be myself.  I will weather the problems that come at me because I know I have the strength of true friends behind me.  True friends that understand why I am the way I am today.  True friends that don’t abandon me even when time and space separate us.  I have the best friends in the world, and only they know why.

June 29th, 2014 Posted by Nic | Uncategorized | one comment

More useful than a life spent doing nothing

“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.”
–George Bernard Shaw

I try to interject humor into my life as often as possible.  Perhaps sometimes even when it’s not appropriate.  This is probably just a coping mechanism to deal with situations I’m not comfortable with, but I hope it’s much more than that.  Regardless of the reasons, I wanted to share one such way that I approach this lifestyle.  Below is a message I just sent to an online retailer regarding a purchase I made that I never received.  Some of you will instantly know what retailer this is while others of you will (sadly) not have a clue.  I’m not going to reveal the true retailer because I love the company and don’t want this to spoil anyone’s view of said company.

So in the end, the message is that I’m not to be trusted (along with those monkeys).  Never trust monkeys.

November 3rd, 2013 Posted by Nic | Uncategorized | no comments

Painting is just another way of keeping a diary

“Painting is just another way of keeping a diary.”
–Pablo Picasso

It’s been a long while since I’ve watched Apollo 13.  Between that time and today I’ve forgotten what it means to worry about someone.  Watching that movie again tonight made me realize that I’m not the only person in the world that I have an effect on.  There are hundreds of people that I directly impact and countless more that I indirectly impact.  It’s not always clear what impact I have in the world, but it only takes a few thought experiments to realize the full extent of my reach.  One of those arcs reaches out into my circle of friends. That group of friends is fairly far reaching and extensive.  My friends cross many time zones and cultural boundaries.

However, like the astronauts on Apollo 13 I am a person that comes through when it counts.  To quote the movie, “if they could get a washing machine to fly, my Jimmy could land it”.  I sometimes feel like that.  There are times when I feel like I’m flying alone and then there are time when I feel like I’m flying the whole damn world.  It’s in these times when I’m flying the whole world that I realize how much my actions impact the whole of my population.

Tonight I paid four dollars to watch this movie and it only served to remind me how much my world and theirs is impacted by science.  I can’t live by my chain of events as the only path by which things could belong.  The world happens outside of our experience and we have to accept that these things are true.

October 13th, 2013 Posted by Nic | Uncategorized | no comments