Give it More Thought
“If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought.”
–Dennis Roth
I don’t actually know what I have on my mind tonight. A lot has happened since the last time we talked, but I don’t really have it all processed yet. I’m probably just postponing that processing because I’m afraid of what it will uncover. Maybe now is the time to go on that adventure.
So, big ticket items (somewhat in order):
- I started mentoring a high school robotics team.
- The relationship I was in last year ended.
- I bought a bunch of new tools.
- I actually scheduled my sabbatical.
- I changed teams at work.
- I started dating someone new.
Just typing that list kind of makes me want to stop. There’s a lot to unpack there.
Robotics. The first one is kind of easy. Easy to talk about at least. It’s a lot of work otherwise. It’s the same program I did while I was in high school, so it just felt right that I should give back a little and help these kids have the experiences that I did. I joined up several months ago because of an open house event, but the real fun began at the beginning of this year. “Build Season” as it’s known started on 1/7. That’s when the game is unveiled and we began the real work for this year. We’ve met six days a week since then so my life has been basically non-stop “ON” since the year began. In the last week or so, a few of them have started calling me Nifty Nic, so I guess that’s who I am now.
Dating. The relationship ending was an amicable event, but it wasn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever done. I suppose any breakup isn’t going to be an easy thing. At least, not if the relationship was worth anything to begin with. I’m not entirely certain where it would have ended up if this didn’t happen, but it was all spurred on by her leaving the country in early January. On her last night in Madison we talked for a bit while cleaning out her apartment and decided that long distance wasn’t going to work. I knew for a while that this moment was coming, but it didn’t change how difficult that evening was. In the end, I think it was the right choice. Our paths were on different trajectories, so it was probably for the best.
Tools. If you’re surprised that I bought tools, I’m going to question who you are and who you think I am. I buy tools all the time. I’ve actually been buying a ton of tools for the robotics team, but that’s a different story. These tools are for me. But they’re not your average hammer and drill kind of tools. These are industrial-grade tools redesigned for residential use. I bought a laser cutter and a water jet cutter: the Glowforge and the Wazer. Go google them, I’ll be here when you get back. Both come from Kickstarter, but I only bought the latter directly from the campaign. I was turned on to the Glowforge because of a Facebook advertisement. (I know. I’m disappointed in myself, as well.) Both allow me to expand my manufacturing ability within my own house. I already have a vast array of hand tools, standard power tools, a CNC router, and a 3D printer. But there are still things that I can’t effectively do with JUST these. I have zero practical need for them, but I’m sure as hell going to use them once they arrive. At least, that’s the plan. We’ll see what happens in the next six months or so.
Sabbatical. If you’ve just tuned into the Nic Network and have no idea what I’m talking about, this is the perk my work offers. Every 5 years you are eligible for a 4-week trip (on top of normal vacation and whatnot). (Even though I’m going to hit 8 years this week, I still haven’t taken my 5-year trip.) If the trip is to a country you’ve not been to before then they pay for part of it (or all of it, depending on what you’re doing, I suppose). The details are complex, but it’s safe to say that everybody uses it because it’s worth it. For me, that means going on a camping road trip through Canada. I’m planning to buy a camper trailer that the Mango can haul and just go off-grid as much as possible. For those of you that just read this blog you might be wondering how that’s different than normal, I’m routinely gone for months at a time. For everybody else, you know I’m one of the most-connected people in the world. I always have my iPhone, Apple Watch, laptop, Mi-Fi, etc. Hell, I have 8 computers in this room alone. To spend a month away from humanity and the grip that technology has on it is going to be quite interesting. It doesn’t hurt that I’m planning to head back toward that beautiful place I was in last May. (Look at the last post if you’re lost.) I’ll be taking a computer to write with, but I’ll be highly surprised if I find any internet to post those writings. It took a huge amount of effort to come back after spending just 4 days in Alaska last year. I have no idea what will happen after a month in the Canadian wilderness. I’ll have the Mango and a place to sleep, what could go wrong?
Work. After years of being highly unhappy with what I was doing, I finally had enough. I snapped one day and complained to the right person, I guess. Within the week, we had transfer plans set up and a new team picked out. There were a lot of tears from co-workers and customers when it was announced, but I think it is the right thing. I’ve been on the new team for a couple of weeks now and my stress level is a thousand times better. I never HATED going to work when I was in my old role, but the stress of that job was becoming too much. Internal and external people relied on me more than was probably healthy, for both everyone. It’s been far too long since I’ve been the least knowledgeable person on a team. While that creates it’s own challenges, it’s far less taxing than being the single person that everyone comes to with problems. I’m cautiously optimistic that this will end up being a good thing. Time will tell, I suppose.
Dating. It’s a bit interesting that this post is basically book-ended by discussions of my relationships. Until last year, it had been nearly a decade since I’d been in a real relationship. Not that there weren’t those that tried (or that I tried for), but nothing real ever actually happened. (The reasons why that is are perhaps topics for my autobiography, or a therapist. Who can say?) Regardless, whatever this is is still in its early stages. We’ve only been on a handful of dates. Our first date was to go to a monster truck rally, so it probably qualifies as my most unique first date ever. From what I can tell, I think it’s going well, but this week has started to make me question that assumption a little. We just feel more distant in text conversations, or something like that. I don’t know. My brain likes to imagine the worst case scenario when presented with a lack of information. The only evolutionary reason I can figure for that is that if you mentally prepare for the worse case, then reality probably won’t be as bad. Thus tempering the actual event you’ll go through. However, it COMPLETELY fails to take into account the anxiety it unleashes by making wild accusations that turn out to be entirely off base. (At least, some of the time.) All I really do know is that I’m completely baffled at how things have gotten this far. She is so far out of my league that I feel like I have to be on an episode of Punk’d. I know it’s been a decade since that show last aired, but this is the kind of thing they’d reboot that show for. Contrary to what I project into semi-anonymous public spaces, I’m not nearly interesting enough for this person to like me. Maybe tomorrow’s date will finally fix the universe and reveal the cameras. Maybe it won’t and I’ll be forced to continue with the happy ignorance that is my life. I suppose worse things have happened.
In preparation for writing this post, I re-read my latest entry. I’m in such a different head-space from when I wrote that, that I can’t even remember stringing those sentences together. However, I can recall the raw emotion behind each one. I can’t make it through that post without pausing to push back the tears of history. As happy as I’ve felt over the last few weeks, I can’t help but see the darkness and fear underneath. I’ll never be good enough for myself, but maybe the world has lower standards than I do.
“The road ended and I kept going. (Like I always do.)”